AS TOLD BY ANON
It's my 2nd to last day of work and I go with a bunch of other co-ops to tour a government office. I hate carrying a purse, and for some reason, girls's dress pants don't have pockets. It's either bad design or it's because I buy the cheap stuff . . . but ALL of my nice pants don't have pockets, so I don't wear them more than what is necessary. At any rate, rather than bring a purse just to hold my badge and license, I throw them in my lunch bag.
So we get inside and I show my badge and license just to get another badge to wear in this office. Then we all eat lunch, and my grocery bag that used to have my lunch is now empty except for my badge and license.
But I figure I may as well keep the bag to hold my stuff cause I'm less likely to drop a grocery bag than my badge. So I'm walking around in business clothes carrying a practically empty grocery bag instead of a purse like a decent person in a high security place.
So why didn't I just bring a purse? Because my lunch wouldn't have fit anyway, so I'd have had 2 things to carry. It's all about efficiency. The question should be WHY DON'T MY DRESS PANTS HAVE POCKETS or better yet, why can't I wear my good ol' khakis in a classy place?
Anyway, before we start the tour, they give us a folder packed with unclassified info. So naturally, rather than carry 2 things (folder and grocery bag), I trash the grocery bag and put my badge in the folder.
Finally the tour is over and I keep telling myself to take the badge out of the folder as soon as I get home because I need it to get into my own office at work the next day.
Well I get home and immediately start packing cause I'm flying back early Saturday morning and we plan to go out right after work on Friday and stay out late since it's our last night. I had to decide whether or not to pack that folder. It was heavy and full of useless info that would just end up collecting dust if I took it home, so naturally I threw it in the trash.
Next day comes and Mario's doing his usual peel-outs w/ that rental car on the way to work and all seems normal except that this is our last day and we have to say goodbye to everybody. So we get to work and I'm reaching in my work bag (no, it's NOT a purse, it's just a cool folder thingy) for my badge cause that's where I always keep it... and it's ... not ... there. I'm kinda freaking out cause it's my last day so I have to return it, so it's not like I can just get a temp badge and tell them I left it at home.
Then I remembered we had a tour the day before, so I figure it must be on the table back home. So Mario spins the car about and we go all the way back. thinking aloud, I suddenly remembered that it was in the folder I had just thrown out. I'm like "oh no! it's in our kitchen trash can!" at which Aaron and Mario start cracking up.
Several minutes later, I'm like "oh wait ... I took out the trash last night so it's in the dumpster!" that's when I really start to freak out cause if the garbage truck came that morning I am really, really screwed. Of course Aaron & Mario start laughing even harder at my predicament. That bastard Aaron somehow managed to choke out "this is even better than your cheesecake story!" as he gasped for air.
So we get back, and of course I have no choice but to run up to my 4th floor apartment to change into . . . dumpster appropriate attire. These dumpsters are the huge ones with the doors on the side, so I can't just reach in and grab my bag. To top it off, everyone in the entire complex, us included, uses those cheap white garbage bags, which doesn't help my search. To top it off, dumpsters in Virginia have got to smell the worst, cause there's a steep fine for anyone who's caught leaving dog poop anywhere.
I see a Wendy's cup sticking out of a bag along w/ what I think is our empty honeycomb cereal box, but that bag is out of reach, so I have to climb in. Well Aaron still hasn't stopped laughing, but he thought it'd be really gross for me to climb in (no kidding) so he pulled some wooden stick full of nails off an old mattress for me to use.
It worked to some extent, because I didn't have to climb in. but in the process all those nails ripped up the bags I had to rake through. I finally get to that bag w/ the cereal box and pull it open, garbage leaking and reeking everywhere. Then I realized that it was the wrong bag. Apparently we make a lot of trash, so sometime between my leaving for work in the morning and returning, someone else had taken another bag of trash out from our kitchen.
I try digging from another angle, and low and behold, I see the blue folder through the garbage bag, so thin white garbage bags are not so bad after all. And I swear, I was never so overjoyed at seeing a garbage bag in my life.
After that stick full of nails had ripped open every garbage bag in the way, I finally pulled up that bag, ripped it open, and pulled out my blue folder, full of carrot peelings and dripping w/ fruit punch. sure enough, my badge was in there. Aaron and Mario were scolding me for tossing secret material into the trash, but then decided that it was actually double wrapped (folder and garbage bag) so that was ok.
So Mario is still shaking his head because I had the nerve to throw the sacred symbol of power and mission away and Aaron is still laughing. But I still say it never would've happened if there were pockets in my dress pants cause after all those incidents of paper pieces stuck all over my clothes, I've learned to thoroughly check my pockets before throwing clothes into the washer.
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